{"id":10598,"date":"2026-04-30T05:09:07","date_gmt":"2026-04-29T23:39:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/banitoday.com\/former-lds-mission-president-explains-what-we-get-wrong-about-people-leaving-the-church\/"},"modified":"2026-04-30T05:09:07","modified_gmt":"2026-04-29T23:39:07","slug":"former-lds-mission-president-explains-what-we-get-wrong-about-people-leaving-the-church","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/banitoday.com\/hi\/former-lds-mission-president-explains-what-we-get-wrong-about-people-leaving-the-church\/","title":{"rendered":"Former LDS mission president explains what we get wrong about people leaving the church"},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <br \/>\n<\/p>\n<div itemprop=\"articleBody\">\n<p><iframe title=\"Everlit Audio Player\" src=\"https:\/\/everlit.audio\/embeds\/artl_XQlJkFYG6ja?ui_title_intro=Listen+now%3A&amp;client=wp&amp;client_version=3.1.5\" width=\"100%\" height=\"136px\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" allowfullscreen=\"\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p>(RNS) \u2014 Thirteen years ago, Jeff Strong received an email from his son who had just left to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This son had entered the church\u2019s Missionary Training Center only days earlier, but he\u2019d already decided to come home.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAs I read the email, it became very evident to me, just from the tone and the words that he used, that it was much bigger than just leaving the MTC,\u201d Strong told RNS. \u201cHe was going to leave the church.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Strong \u201cimmediately went into fix-it mode,\u201d he said, as he and his wife dealt with their shock and grief about their son\u2019s decision. They saw it as a wrong move that could potentially damage the rest of his life \u2014 and their whole family\u2019s eternity. They weren\u2019t sure how to talk to him about it.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIn our community, we literally believe that these conversations have eternal consequences. There\u2019s the idea of \u2018sad heaven\u2019 or empty chairs at the dinner table in the Celestial Kingdom,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n<p>A bedrock part of Latter-day Saint theology is that families can be together forever \u2014 but only if everyone remains in the church\u2019s fold.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo, when somebody steps away, members immediately put their brain into that space of, \u2018Oh, this is the eternal end of my child or my friend,\u2019\u201d Strong said.<\/p>\n<p>Today, however, Strong said he has a \u201cgreat relationship\u201d with this son \u2014 and with the two other of his five adult children who\u2019ve also left Mormonism. He and his wife remain very involved in the church, in which he\u2019s served many volunteer callings, including as a bishop and mission president.<\/p>\n<p>Through that service, he began to see that his children\u2019s decisions to leave the church weren\u2019t aberrations. This was the new normal.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDisaffiliation became so personal to me because as a bishop, I was losing members in my ward, and I had former missionaries that were leaving,\u201d Strong said.<\/p>\n<p>He wanted to find out why and has spent much of the last several years teaming up with social science researchers \u2014 <a href=\"https:\/\/www.tornbyjeffstrong.com\/research\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">including me <\/a>\u2014 to learn more. That research is summed up in Strong\u2019s new book,\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.tornbyjeffstrong.com\/product\/torn\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u201cTorn: Why People We Love Are Leaving the Church and What We Can Learn From Them,\u201d<\/a> based on personal experiences and also on survey data about people who leave the LDS church.<\/p>\n<hr\/>\n<hr\/>\n<p>One of the lead researchers, <a href=\"https:\/\/fisher.osu.edu\/people\/dotson.83\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Jeff Dotson of The Ohio State University<\/a>, helped Strong field a survey of current and former Latter-day Saints. It\u2019s not necessarily representative because it was fielded using social media, email lists and snowball sampling referrals, but it was massive. About 15,000 people at least started the survey, and 11,000 finished it \u2014 even though it took them an hour to do so, on average.<\/p>\n<p>Dotson was \u201camazed\u201d by how long people were willing to spend on it, he said. As someone who does a lot of survey research, he generally tries to keep surveys under five minutes. An hour is unheard of.<\/p>\n<p>About 60% of survey takers were current LDS church members, and 40% were people who had left. The survey\u2019s current members skewed active, meaning they were more likely than average members to attend church regularly and consider themselves devout.<\/p>\n<p>The data showed that it\u2019s the most devout members who have the hardest time understanding and relating to family members and friends who have left.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPeople who self-identified as more devout picked the wrong answer twice as often,\u201d Strong said.<\/p>\n<p>For example, 75% of devout respondents greatly underestimated how many people are actually leaving, with most choosing the \u201czero to 25%\u201d option when the correct answer is more likely in the \u201c50% to 75%\u201d range.\u00a0<\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_4256987\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"width: 655px;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-4256987 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/religionnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Strong-and-Dotson-0-Devout-members-more-likely-to-be-wrong.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"655\" height=\"197\" srcset=\"https:\/\/religionnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Strong-and-Dotson-0-Devout-members-more-likely-to-be-wrong.png 655w, https:\/\/religionnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Strong-and-Dotson-0-Devout-members-more-likely-to-be-wrong-427x128.png 427w, https:\/\/religionnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Strong-and-Dotson-0-Devout-members-more-likely-to-be-wrong-300x90.png 300w, https:\/\/religionnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Strong-and-Dotson-0-Devout-members-more-likely-to-be-wrong-600x180.png 600w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 655px) 100vw, 655px\"\/> <\/p>\n<p class=\"wp-caption-text edd-enabled\"><span class=\"caption\">Most devout Latter-day Saints underestimate how many people are leaving the church. (Strong and Dotson, <span>\u201c<\/span>Why People Are Leaving<span>\u201d<\/span> survey)<\/span><span class=\"credit\"\/><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>Devout members also tended to attribute disaffiliation to personal inadequacies or religious failings. \u201cThey chose answers like \u2018They sinned and lost the Spirit\u2019 or \u2018They were led away by the things of the world,&#8217;\u201d Strong said.<\/p>\n<p>The reasons provided by actual people who had left were quite different.\u00a0The most common reasons they indicated were: \u201cI didn\u2019t feel a sense of belonging\u201d and \u201cI encountered information about the church\u2019s history that was troubling enough for me that I didn\u2019t want to participate anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That suggested to Strong that the most active members of the church \u201chave a blind spot,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n<p>That gap in understanding makes it all the more difficult to have honest and productive conversations across the divide. Most people who leave do tell a church member about their faith crisis or faith deconstruction \u2014 83%, according to the research. But some of these conversations go better than others.<\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_4256988\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"width: 705px;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-4256988 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/religionnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Strong-and-Dotson-2-83-spoke-with-someone.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"705\" height=\"503\" srcset=\"https:\/\/religionnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Strong-and-Dotson-2-83-spoke-with-someone.png 705w, https:\/\/religionnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Strong-and-Dotson-2-83-spoke-with-someone-427x305.png 427w, https:\/\/religionnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Strong-and-Dotson-2-83-spoke-with-someone-300x214.png 300w, https:\/\/religionnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Strong-and-Dotson-2-83-spoke-with-someone-600x428.png 600w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 705px) 100vw, 705px\"\/> <\/p>\n<p class=\"wp-caption-text edd-enabled\"><span class=\"caption\">More than 4 in 5 people experiencing a faith crisis spoke to someone in the church about it. (Strong and Dotson, <span>\u201c<\/span>Why People Are Leaving the Church<span>\u201d<\/span> survey)<\/span><span class=\"credit\"\/><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>People who had left the church reported that their most helpful conversations were with their peers, like spouses and friends. More than half said those conversations were helpful and supportive.<\/p>\n<p>Far down the list were conversations with parents (14% positive) and Relief Society presidents (10% positive). Worst of all were discussions with LDS bishops and stake presidents \u2014 only 5% of leavers said those exchanges were helpful.<\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_4256989\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"width: 601px;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-4256989 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/religionnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Strong-and-Dotson-4-bishops-and-stake-presidents-were-the-least-helpful.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"601\" height=\"466\" srcset=\"https:\/\/religionnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Strong-and-Dotson-4-bishops-and-stake-presidents-were-the-least-helpful.png 601w, https:\/\/religionnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Strong-and-Dotson-4-bishops-and-stake-presidents-were-the-least-helpful-427x331.png 427w, https:\/\/religionnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Strong-and-Dotson-4-bishops-and-stake-presidents-were-the-least-helpful-300x233.png 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 601px) 100vw, 601px\"\/> <\/p>\n<p class=\"wp-caption-text edd-enabled\"><span class=\"caption\">Conversations with local church leaders were the least helpful, and exchanges with friends and spouses the most helpful. (Strong and Dotson, <span>\u201c<\/span>Why People Are Leaving the Church<span>\u201d<\/span> survey)<\/span><span class=\"credit\"\/><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>Relevant to all these conversations is how thoughtfully people approach them.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIn high-stakes conversations, principle No. 1 is don\u2019t talk under the influence,\u201d Strong said. By this, he didn\u2019t mean being under the influence of alcohol or drugs, which Latter-day Saints avoid as a part of their religion, but reacting out of fear, anger and frustration.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cStep away and take a breather,\u201d he advised.<\/p>\n<p>He said it\u2019s fine for devout Mormons to tell their loved ones who are talking about leaving, \u201cHey, I\u2019m just not in a good place to have this conversation yet. I love you, and this is really important, and I want to show up the right way for you and for me. I just need some time to get my head and heart in the right place.\u201d And members of the church need to admit it if they feel anger or disappointment, rather than pretending everything\u2019s great, he said.<\/p>\n<hr\/>\n<hr\/>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019ve got to put these emotions on the table, and you\u2019ve got to own them,\u201d he said. \u201cAnd you also need to examine the story you\u2019re telling yourself.\u201d Instead, sometimes church members \u201csort of invent narratives\u201d about other people and why they leave \u2014 particularly that disaffiliation is a sudden, 180-degree change that comes out of nowhere, he added.\u00a0<\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_4257104\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"width: 750px;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-4257104\" src=\"https:\/\/religionnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/webRNS-Strong-and-Dotson-8-relationship-with-institutional-church-was-weakened.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"750\" height=\"394\" srcset=\"https:\/\/religionnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/webRNS-Strong-and-Dotson-8-relationship-with-institutional-church-was-weakened.jpg 801w, https:\/\/religionnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/webRNS-Strong-and-Dotson-8-relationship-with-institutional-church-was-weakened-427x224.jpg 427w, https:\/\/religionnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/webRNS-Strong-and-Dotson-8-relationship-with-institutional-church-was-weakened-768x404.jpg 768w, https:\/\/religionnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/webRNS-Strong-and-Dotson-8-relationship-with-institutional-church-was-weakened-300x158.jpg 300w, https:\/\/religionnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/webRNS-Strong-and-Dotson-8-relationship-with-institutional-church-was-weakened-600x315.jpg 600w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 750px) 100vw, 750px\"\/> <\/p>\n<p class=\"wp-caption-text edd-enabled\"><span class=\"caption\"><span>\u201c<\/span>How did your faith transition impact your relationship with God and the Church?<span>\u201d<\/span> (Strong and Dotson, <span>\u201c<\/span>Why People Are Leaving<span>\u201d<\/span> survey)<\/span><span class=\"credit\"\/><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>Parents, in particular, may not realize that their kids have had issues with the faith for a long time but were worried about losing their family\u2019s love and respect if they spoke up.<\/p>\n<p>Strong said parents also have to recognize when they\u2019re imposing their own dreams for checklist Latter-day Saint children. \u201cMaybe you wanted to be that parent where all your children went on missions, got married in the temple and remained faithful. But when that doesn\u2019t work out, you get really clear on what your own motives were for wanting that,\u201d he said.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s only after taking a breather, admitting your emotions and getting clarity on your own motivations that you\u2019re truly ready to have productive conversations with people who have left, Strong said. For that, \u201cthe right objective should be relational, not correctional. You shouldn\u2019t be going into that conversation to fix or correct or even seek agreement. You should be building trust.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMoments of truth can go one way or the other, but if they go in a positive direction, they can actually deepen a relationship instead of damage it,\u201d he said.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><!-- CONTENT END 1 -->\n        <\/div>\n<p><br \/>\n<br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/religionnews.com\/2026\/04\/29\/former-lds-mission-president-explains-what-we-get-wrong-about-people-leaving-the-church\/\">Source link <\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>(RNS) \u2014 Thirteen years ago, Jeff Strong received an email from his son who had just left to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This son had entered the church\u2019s Missionary Training Center only days earlier, but he\u2019d already decided to come home. \u201cAs I read the email, it [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":10599,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10598","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail"],"amp_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/banitoday.com\/hi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10598","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/banitoday.com\/hi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/banitoday.com\/hi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/banitoday.com\/hi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/banitoday.com\/hi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10598"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/banitoday.com\/hi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10598\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/banitoday.com\/hi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/10599"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/banitoday.com\/hi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10598"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/banitoday.com\/hi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10598"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/banitoday.com\/hi\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10598"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}